The Trap of Black & White Thinking
“It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels.” - Saint Augustine
(In February '08 a man wrote to me the following in response to a column I'd written for Seal Beach Magazine the previous month)
“Judging by your [recent] article, I'm going to guess you are married with 2.8 children, and have been married for 18 plus years. How am I doing so far? You are clueless about dating in 2008 or anything in the last decade. Women judge men first by the wallet and job. You have no idea what it is like to ask a woman out. Unless you have an edge or are a bad boy, most men are watching from the sidelines. And you will not get an average person’s profile, due to most will not take the time to respond to your column, but good luck with it anyway...”
My first response, honestly, was to laugh that the poor man was so far off about my own personal romantic situation; that I had been out of the dating loop for more than a decade. No dear readers, yours truly has certainly had quite a bit of experience in that realm. I’ve been single since 2000, and I was married only eight years, not eighteen.
But my second response was sadness for the emailer. I am not really insulted that he finds me clueless about the realities of modern dating because I’m actually out there doing it. It has only been a month since my boyfriend and I broke up, so I hope he’ll forgive me for not jumping back into the game again yet – but I will. First though, I want to spend some time reflecting on the past eight months that I spent with such a wonderful man, even if we weren’t right for long term.
There was a time in my life that I thought only those who were in a happy successful marriage could write about dating and romance tips, a time when I believed that no one would listen to anyone except those who had apparently gotten it “totally right.” Of course I was also a little naive and lost in my own bubble, after all, both the popular relationship writer Barbara D'Angelis and the ladies who wrote The Rules books have gotten divorced.
Now I face the reality that no one has a perfect life, no matter how fabulous they look on the outside, and I take a page from those in AA, the idea that those who have lived through the trenches are the best to share with others successful strategies for thriving. Now I focus on my romantic journey one moment at a time rather than a destination I need to desperately get to, not because my romantic life has been so amazingly easy and happy in the past (though it's certainly had its moments), but because it’s been such a rich fascinating journey, and because that’s the way I’ve found to open up my romantic world in the most amazing and happy. Each time I can open up and become more expansive and clear on how I want to feel the world surprises me.
I’m sad for the emailer because he notes that most single men are, “watching from the sidelines” and he may well be right. I’m also sad that he trotted out the old tired moniker that “women just to date men with money.” I could have countered with the other delightfully old stereotype of, “men just want sex” and then we could have put on our virtual boxing gloves and retreated glowering at each other from opposite sides of the virtual ring.
Black and white thinking like the email writer’s is so seductive (and I know it well because I used to be a very black and white thinker, actually my recovering is an ongoing process). It gives us sureness in an unsure world. We get to think we are right and others are wrong, which can feel empowering, but it also paints us into a very small tight corner – and in the dating world this corner can get very lonely.
I don’t doubt the email writer has experienced women who are all about a man’s wallet size. I’m not going to refute that. But there are plenty of wonderful single women around who aren’t. Whenever a man tells me women only want money I am very curious to know what the women look like he feels drawn to date or even long for. I also wonder what kind of jobs they have - if you are continually finding yourself drawn to particular types of people only to be continually disappointed in how things pan out (for example, women who are incredibly well groomed and label conscious, or very successful and in glamorous industries and then finding them high maintenance and focused on money) than it might well be time to take a look at your own personal preferences. Something might be off between what you think you're drawn to visually vs. how you want to feel in a relationship.
I have certainly dated many men when I was younger who really only wanted to sleep with me – because that’s the way I set it up. I led with my sex appeal first and foremost and responded to the men who were the most forward and charismatic in their approach - if I thought they were hot (if I didn't they simply annoyed me). I valued myself when I could get said hotty to cross the room to approach me, which would lead to an adventure that night, or a date another. I would often follow through with sex that I didn't know how to enjoy because I didn't want to be a tease, sex that was merely my attempt at a hook to get him to want to know me better, and then was mystified when he didn't call again.
The challenge is that as long as we stay in the black and white, such as with the idea that men only want sex and women only want money, we'll constantly move through the romantic world with a big chip on our shoulder that discolors our world. It leaves us little breathing space and room to truly discover what's unique about ourselves or another human being we might be attracted to.
This is where the Buddhist concept of Beginner's Mind is so powerful. When we can step back and look at our patterns and our assumptions and our world with curiosity we find out the ways in which our own actions and beliefs are often the biggest causes of our sad predicaments. We can see how our negative patterns perhaps began with a valid reason, but that we didn't need to continue to follow their path and live there. We don't have to be cemented in. We can begin to open up to shades of gray.
Now that I can own being sexy without leading with my sex appeal as a desperate plea for attention I enjoy flirting and possibilities all the more because I can savor them. I don't have to leap headfirst. I can ponder and wonder and be very clear on who I am and what I'm looking for. I don't need to make men wrong for their desire, but I can be very clear on what my own needs and wants are. That leaves us the space to agree to disagree with respect, or sometimes to circle a bit more and ponder the possibilities.