Mirror Mirror On the Wall - By Melissa Balmer
“Our culture is about distraction, numbing oneself. There is no self-reflection, no sitting still. It's absolutely exhausting.” - David Greenfield
Whenever I meet someone who’s having a challenging time finding the right sort of people to date (or sometimes anyone to date) nine times out of ten my gut reaction is that they really don’t have a handle on how they come across to their romantic prospects. While their words of longing say one thing, their actions, form of self expression, and emotions say totally another. They’re completely working at cross-purposes, but they’re often completely blind to how they’re shooting themselves in the dating/romance foot.
And guess what? I know so well of what I speak because I recognize the behavior. I include myself in the above paragraph more than a few times in my life. But every time I’ve crashed and burned romantically, or he just wouldn’t call back, I would remember what my parents would say when I was small and would come crying to them over an argument with my friends. They’d listen to my complaints patiently and then say, “Okay, but what did you do Melissa?”
Oh darn, that’s right, in personal relationships we’re never quite the hapless victims we’d like to think we are.
If you’re not getting called or emailed back, if you’re not getting invited on the second date, or if you’re constantly arguing with your significant other, the right place to start looking for answers might well be in the mirror.
One of my favorite fellow dating/romance writers is Marc Evan Katz of www.advicefromasingledatingexpert.com. What I like about Evan’s writing is that it’s smart, honest and yes, all about being self-reflective. In a recent article on his site called “Why Don’t Men Like Smart, Successful Women?” Katz points out there are two sides to the coin on how we view our “so called” positive traits and sell what a great catch we are to others. He notes that, “the flip side of being bright is being opinionated, the flip side of being charismatic is being self-centered, and the flip side of being analytical is being difficult.” He’s speaking about himself and not saying that the above three examples are always the case, but right about now a light may have gone off in your head.
The upside to deciding to remain clueless about how our words and actions might come across to others is that we can continue to place the blame for relationship failures on everyone else. The downside? Every time we point the finger of blame three are pointing back at us, and we continue to be disconnected and lonely.
The fascinating thing about lack of self-awareness in the romance game (or in any other aspect of life, like say, American Idol auditions) is that it’s an equal opportunity employer. You’re not safe just because you’re successful and well educated. Lack of self- awareness cuts across gender, intelligence, and income boundaries with equal obliviousness. And no one is ever going to be able to be completely sure how their words and actions come across to another, but simply by putting yourself in another person’s shoes you can begin to stop having such tunnel vision and start to check in with the reality of how you really present yourself.
What makes this hard to accomplish is that we’re a nation that’s always on the “go,” always working on checking something else off the “to do” list. We’re great at wanting, we’re not so great at just “being,” and that’s exactly the kind of headspace you need in order to create some self-reflection time.
So the next time you’re not getting called or emailed back maybe a nice long walk down to the beach is in order. Maybe it’s time to chill a little and reflect on whether you’d call you back either
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Working Your Love List - by Melissa Balmer
We all have a secret love list even if we don’t admit it exists. We all know we have a “type” of man or woman who makes our hearts beat a little faster, we all know a few make it/break it qualities that draw us to, or has us running away screaming from a possible love interest, and we all harbor, in the very secret corners of our hearts, thoughts about romance that we feel would make us very happy were they to bloom in our lives. But few of us sit down and actually use this list to actually make our love lives any better.
Why not? Well, for one thing we fear being judged completely crazy by family and friends if we dare let our secret romantic wishes slip out. What if someone stumbled upon our journal and read them! What if they laughed at us for our audacity! How would we recover if our secret romantic needs were laid bare and then shunned? And what if we’re in a relationship already? We risk making our romantic partner feeling rejected, or rejecting us, for what we’d like more of in the romance department.
Let’s face it, our culture is far more comfortable with its citizens putting together a new fashion look, or weight loss goals, or heck sales goals over having love goals. But is the fear of embarrassment and judgment really a good reason to keep us from getting clear on what we truly want in love?
Over the past eight years I’ve become convinced that creating and keeping an ongoing “love list” is one of the most powerful tools we can have in our romantic arsenal. I’m talking hair-standing-up-on-the-back-of-your-neck powerful – when we’re ready to start getting real about our true romantic needs. I say start, because great romance isn’t a final destination (as I’ve said before), it’s an ongoing journey.
And when creating this love list, writing it down is a crucial step. The act of writing them down makes these goals of yours of great interest to the RAS part of your brain (the Reticular Activating System). I first learned about the RAS in a terrific book called “Writer it Down, Make it Happen” by Henriette Anne Klauser. In doing further research for this article I found an article by Dr. Kathie Nunley online called “Keeping Pace with Today’s Quick Brains” in which she states, “The job of the RAS is to filter and screen all incoming stimuli and "decide" which stimuli should merit the attention of the conscious. There is a hierarchy to the issues of importance. In order, you will attend to: physical need, novelty and self-made choices.”
Ever notice that when you learn a new vocabulary word you suddenly hear that word everywhere? That’s the RAS at work. When you get together the courage to write down your real romantic needs those needs are suddenly going to start popping up as an important subject all over the place – on the radio, the T.V., in magazine articles. Claim your needs and the RAS is going to find ways to first make you feel supported in your choices in surprising ways, and then to start answering those needs.
But here’s one last important clue about creating a truly powerful love list – don’t hang out in the shallows of your wants. In the February issue of “O” magazine Oprah’s life coach Martha Beck notes that the power of your list “depends on the level of awareness from which you write.” Focus on the shallow (six figure income, tall leggy blonde) and you’ll get exactly that – shallow results. Focus on the deep, focus on how you really want to feel in romance and you’ll start creating magic.
Do You Need a New Game Plan? by Melissa Balmer
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” - Buddha
It’s no secret that dating and romance gurus make a lot of money selling books and Internet subscriptions to the millions of us out there who want to improve our love lives. Of course they couch the words differently as to what they’re selling depending on whether you’re a man or a woman.
I learned an interesting fact while working at Barnes & Noble during one holiday season; women will boldly buy just about any book on improving their love life that they think will help – most men will not, they are far too shy to be caught buying such books in public. On the other hand, men will spend hundreds of dollars to join an Internet subscription site that promises to make them a success with women without batting an eye. That’s not exactly how they phrase what you’ll learn how to do on these various sites, but I’m pretty sure you get my drift.
But the truth about improving your love life is that absolutely nothing will change for the better about it until you change your mind about what you feel you deserve in love. You have to face yourself squarely and accept that how you’re approaching things right now, if not what you truly desire, is simply not cutting it.
Of course you’re free to go out and spend money on books and Internet subscriptions, but in the meantime why not contemplate incorporating the following three concepts into your “becoming more worthy of love” directory?
Be Open
No, I don’t mean date people you don’t at all find attractive in any way shape or form. I’m all for chemistry, I’m all for sizzle, but it can’t happen if you’re living with your head in the sand frightened to actually show up in person and be ready to meet someone new.
You can meet someone wonderful anywhere – but you must be present in the moment in your body. You can meet someone wonderful standing in line for coffee, the movies, groceries, or better yet at Spaghettini’s, but it won’t happen if your mind’s on another planet.
Be Ready
No matter how much you long for great romance it just isn’t going to happen if your life is too cluttered and busy to let it in – and this is just as true if you’re already in a relationship or single. Do yourself a favor and get rid of the idea that “spontaneous” is the only way anything exciting and sexy can happen to you. Great romance needs space to bloom in and for most of us that space needs to be consciously created.
Be Current
Okay, this is a really tough one, but I’m going to ask you to let go of your favorite old sagas for a while. You know what I’m talking about, the “big” important stories of your life that you share with friends and family and of course possible romantic partners.
Over the years we tend to get trapped in those old stories and start living in the past rather than the present. Every time we tell others, or just ourselves, the same old stories again we pine the loss of our athletic or beautiful youth, the one who got away, the jerks who did us wrong, etc. etc. we feel the pain and loss all fresh and new again.
I’m not saying ignore the past; I’m simply inviting you to let those same old stories rest for a bit, especially the negative ones. You have other stories to share, dig out the ones that show you in a new light, and accept that if you’re ready to allow it, the stories that you start creating right now are just as important as those from the past.
A Romanic Fresh Start Part II
Originally Publish in Coastal Cupid
August 07 by Melissa Balmer
for Coastal Scene Magazine
“I can’t take to the sky before I like it on the ground” – KT Tunstall
Getting in the Right Head Space for the Right Heart Space
Oh sure, many of us look ripe and ready for romance from the outside. From the outside we look slick and witty and together but we actually fend off opportunities for love because of the quagmire we’ve got going on between our ears. Yes my darlings, we can be literally pickled in our own negative thinking about love. Just as we discussed last month the need to actually have the time for new romance to come into our lives, we also need the mental and emotional space as well.
In a very small nutshell we simply cannot be open to new love in the present, if we’re living mentally and emotionally in our romantic past. Sometimes, however, this is a very difficult concept to recognize in ourselves: it’s far easier to notice it first in others. I’m sure if you think it over you’ll realizes you know someone who’s really attractive physically and very successful, and they should be a great catch, really they should be, and yet after a few dates with someone new everything fizzles out. When we think it over we realize we also avoid spending extended lengths of time with this attractive and successful friend of ours as well because it’s just so damn boring listening to them constantly dredge up the past and chew over their old relationship drama.
Here’s the deal – we’ve all had romantic relationships with people we either miss, or regret, or both if we’ve ever been brave enough to gamble on love at all. The problem isn’t our romantic history, but rather what we do with it. Even if we don’t bore others with our romantic should’ve/would’ve/could’ve scenarios, most of us haunt ourselves with them mentally without consciously realizing we’re doing it. Sitting in traffic, watching our child’s baseball game, waiting to fall asleep at night – these are all prime times when the past creeps in and takes over our precious mental and emotional space with old broken record recordings of the-one-who-got-away, or perhaps the-one-our-Mother-was-right-about.
The problem is that any time we spend on angry mental arguments with an ex-spouse, or wistful longing for someone we should have appreciated more; or shouldn’t have been so available for, is time spent away from “now.” And now is the only place you have to create a happy romantic present and future. Don’t rob yourself. As well known yoga instructor and writer Arthur Jeon states in his book Sex, Love and Dharma, “The truth is, the only way you can get to the future you want is one moment at a time.” In other words, the present can’t truly be the gift it is unless you can show up fully to appreciate it.
When you find yourself chewing over the past mentally stop and quietly wish that person well, or forgive yourself for whatever past sin it is you believe you committed towards them, or towards yourself, and then switch your thoughts to something positive about what you want to create for yourself romantically in the now. Just fair warning; this is a process you’ll have to do again and again and again. You’ve been playing these negative tapes in your head a long time so be patient and kind with yourself about letting them go.
Reprogramming Yourself
Okay, so I’ve asked you to switch your negative romantic thoughts to positive ones, but that’s hard to do if you haven’t really spent much time pondering just what those might be. While real romance isn’t just about “doing things,” sometimes the easiest way to ease into discovering your current romantic needs and tastes is by consciously collecting information on activities that you’d love to have a romantic partner to enjoy with.
By deciding to create a “romance file” you’re giving yourself permission to be interested in things romantic and sexy again right here, right now, just for you. By all means throw in anything that sparks your interest, including hot new fashions you’d like to wear for a hot new date, and yes, gulp, even information on practicing safe sex. Don’t worry about being judged; hide the folder away someplace safe, happily collecting those tidbits of information and ideas on all things fun and sexy until the time is right to share them with someone special.
Happy Research!
A Romantic Fresh Start Part I
July 2007 by Melissa Balmer
for Coastal Scene Magazine
Dear Melissa,
Yes, you are right about single men looking for romance also. I enjoyed your article this morning as I drank my coffee alone. At 48, and soon to reach the end of another year of life, I'm beginning to wonder if my dreams of a successful relationship and marriage will ever come to fruition. A full time mother and father widowed and divorced, living the double whammy in Seal. Funny, in most people’s mind wealth means success, but what is wealth without a loved one to share it with? A friend said to me once, what does 50 and single mean? She said 50 and lonely, I agree. So, do I drop my standards, where do I look, or should I just put it on the back burner and continue raising my children?
Xtreeskir
Dear Xtreeskir,
I know it can seem really seem like you’re faced with an either or situation here, loneliness vs. lower standards (neither of which sounds appealing), but as the popular Buddhist writer Pema Chodron states, “Each moment is an opportunity to make a fresh start.” And no, I’m not some Pollyanna blithely ignoring your challenges. At 43 I speak from the experience of one who has faced a few serious challenges herself in finding romance again after divorce, including a chronic pain condition and serious financial setbacks, but neither has kept me from the dating arena for long, and yes I do take my own advice (which is what one would hope of an advise columnist) and yes, I am in a romantic relationship again, not merely dating.
But my point isn’t to make you feel sorry for me, or jealous, my point is that everyone who’s single and longs for a great romance has some type of challenge (or more) to deal with and/or overcome, and everyone who is willing to do the work deserves great romance; it’s as simple as that. So let’s look at some very tried and true ways to get you moving in the right direction to make it happen for you.
First off, however, I have some more good news for you – and that is that for the first time ever in our country the number of single available people rivals those married according to the 2006 Census Bureau.
A New Perspective
The first thing to understand is that romance is a process not a destination; it’s about enjoying the trip, not the arrival. And the journey begins long before you ever lay your eyes again on another attractive stranger, or newly single neighbor, or are introduced to the friend of a friend of a friend. Like most journeys it begins at home.
The romance you’re looking for actually starts with you, and you will always be the most important person in your romance. If you don’t take care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally you simply cannot be there for another person romantically for any length of time. As a parent playing both the Mom and Dad roles in your family an important question to ask is if you even have time and space right now for a romance to begin with? Longing for someone to hold hands with on those walks on the beach isn’t the same as actually having time to do it, or the time and space to nurture a new romance. Do you have space and the ability in your schedule right now? If not, what could be done to make it so?
Too many single people who have schedules crammed full with work, family and friend commitments assume they’ll somehow make space for someone new once they meet them – even though they don’t even have enough time right now to get a good night’s sleep. Just remember, no space for you means there’s no space for someone new either.
And sometimes it’s just your timing that’s a bit off. Let me give you an example; I have a very good friend who complained to me a few years ago that she wasn’t meeting any cute men at the swank new gym she went to every morning. Here it was, the hottest gym in Santa Monica, and according to her it was a desert in the morning. Then, because she really is a morning person, it occurred to me to ask her just what time she was going to this new gym. She told me she was going at 6:30 am. I told her to try 7:30 because I only stockbrokers would be there that early, and she was looking for someone more creative. She took my advice and was not only thrilled to see that the gym actually was full of cute men at that new hour, but within a couple of months she met the man she’s married to today.
Just What Are Those Romantic Standards of Yours?
If you were planning on taking a vacation to an exotic and tropical local and pulled down your suitcase only to find it filled with clothing from your last ski trip you’d have to repack, right? Nor would you pack exactly the same clothing for a trip to Hawaii now that you’d packed for a trip back in 1985. It can be the same with your romantic notions and needs – they may be outdated and ready for an overhaul. If you take the time to look at those romantic standards of yours (the ones you’re worried about having to lower), with curiosity rather than defensiveness or judgment, you may well find that some of them are outdated or just no longer serve you well.
What really matters to you now romantically? How do you want to feel in a new romance? Do you even know? Don’t feel embarrassed if you don’t, recognize that even by making a conscience effort to think about it you’re already setting change in motion for yourself.
Tune in next month for part II where I’ll share more tips on just how you can give yourself a romantic fresh start.