Discovering Your True Romantic Self - Part I
by Melissa Balmer
"The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision it works around the decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience." - Deepak Chopra
You may think you're very well aware of who you are romantically, thank you, your challenge only seems to be getting the rest of the world (or that one special person really) to play along with your needs and desires.
I beg to differ. I'm going to put a different theory out there - that you don't have the happy romantic life you yearn for in your life right now (whether you're in a relationship or not) because you don't actually really know who your romantic self is. Who your romantic self is is a many layered, rich, complex, ageless, fascinating creature not the one-size-fits all image of youth and glamour and success and wealth our society and media feed us as the ideal tools necessary for happiness in love - that idea of romance is from the outside in.
Who your romantic self is a constant journey rather than a final answer, because we're always growing and changing and becoming. Who you truly were romantically at 15 is different than you were/are at 26 and 46 and 66 and so on. There is always more to discover, to learn from, to experience. You are always more than your past and your current circumstances. You are always new possibilities, new depths, new realizations and new joys no matter how many so-called failures you feel you've had in romance.
If you're at all like me you've had plenty of those, right?
Starting from the Inside Out
We are so programmed in this modern era to view our lives from the outside in, and that's where we get into a lot of trouble. We think that if we can just find a way to fit into an acceptable visual and economic representation of what our society values, and then we can find someone to "be with" who fits what our own visual and economic requirements are, we'll be romantically happy. We're sure if he or she just looks right and makes the right kind of money/has the right kind of job etc. we'll have finally arrived.
But this "getting together of the outsides" happens again and again and we aren't happy. We constantly feel something is missing. We can't quite put our fingers on what it is, but we know instinctively in our gut things aren't right. But rather than listening to our gut we continue to search outside ourselves for the clues to "fix" things. If our partner would just change...if we could just lose that last ten pounds, if we could just have a new house, or vacation, or or or...
Ah no. As seductively easy as these ideas are to trot out and try to use they aren't the answer. The only answer lies within ourselves. If we can stop working from the outside in, and move instead to discovering ourselves from the inside out, and allow that core romantic self to guide our romantic exploits we'll begin a whole new fascinating journey where we actually feel "right" in our own skin.
There Are Always More Possibilities Than We Can Imagine
By viewing ourselves and possible romantic partners mostly from the outside we're constantly painting ourselves into limited corners. The truth is there are limitless possibilities out there for our romantic happiness - not just that one right moment in time that if we miss we'll be lost for ever. As Deepak Chopra writes in The Book of Secrets:
"The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision it works around the decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience."
Change your idea of who you are, and how you want to feel, and the universe shifts and changes with you. Open yourself up to how you truly want to feel in romance from the deepest core of your being and you literally change your world of possibilities and opportunities.
Stay tuned for part II to find out just how we begin this wonderful journey, in the meantime I leave you with this thought from Oriah in The Dance "Perhaps sometimes we give up our loneliness too quickly, moving away from the ache before it can lead us back to the Beloved."
What makes you feel at peace, a part of everything but centered and anchored in yourself? That's a very good place to start...