Dating Like Grown Ups

1. Recognize Your Negative Patterns

All of the great dating tips in the world will do you absolutely no good at all if you continue with your same old negative patterns behavior patterns - you know what I'm talking about, those behaviors that defeat your dating dreams and goals in the first place. For example, it never ceases to amaze me that people can actually complain about not meeting anyone new when they don’t get themselves out in the right situations to meet other single people in the first place.

Let me be very clear here - stopping whatever personal behavior that keeps you from getting out and meeting new people, or meeting the right kinds of people, or screwing things up once you do meet the right person, or sabotaging the relationship with this great person once it gets going, is the most important dating tip I can give you. You are worthy a level playing field. You are worth succeeding. So clean out your emotional closet and give yourself a fighting chance. Do whatever it takes to change - read whatever you need to read, see whoever you need to see, and make a commitment first to yourself that you can change.

2. Don’t Create A False Self

It’s one thing to improve yourself and make the most of who you can be, it’s another to create a false self just to try and impress a special someone into wanting to date you…sooner or later the real you is going to come out. This very important dating tip is true whether you’re meeting people first online or in person.

Yes, gorgeous, together, successful people do fall in love with people who aren’t always as gorgeous, together, and successful as they are – however – it’s done honestly. They fall in love with the person’s character and heart and intelligence over time from getting to know them, they aren’t hoodwinked into believing someone is thinner, younger, more financially stable etc. than they really are. Sooner or later the truth always comes out and the person who’s been lied to will be both be very disappointed and very angry with you. A person who's been lied to isn't going to hang around to get to know the real you when the truth comes out no matter how wonderful the real you is. Start with owning the fact that the real you is wonderful and share him or her honestly with the world.

3. Follow Your Gut

Don’t date people just because your mother, cousin, boss, best friend or anyone else thinks you should because they’re a “great” catch. Just exactly who is a great catch is a matter of personal opinion. Taste is individual and personal, something I've been reminded of quite a bit lately. And don’t date people just because they’re forward enough to ask you out if you don’t feel like you’d enjoy each other’s company. That little voice in the back of your head, or that uncomfortable voice in your stomach, should be listened to. If someone seems like they're so forward and chatty that they won't let you get a word in edgewise you're probably right.

Do, however, go out with someone who sparks your interest even if they don’t seem like your type. Dating isn’t marriage, it’s a time to get out and explore and learn about not only new people, but yourself as well. In Buddhism there is the powerful concept of "Beginner's Mind" - moving forward into life with freshness and openness and questions like a child, like someone just starting out, letting go of the idea we've got all the answers. As we grow we change, you may well be at a point where a whole new kind of man or woman now fascinates you romantically and sexually.

4. Follow Your Passions to Passion

People who are great to date like their lives and know how to enjoy themselves. Happy people are naturally attractive, even if they’re carrying some extra weight, have lost their hair, and don’t have tons of money. Happy people have found a way to either follow their bliss, or make sure their passions and interests are at least play a part in their lives. And by following your passions, and making sure they’re an integral part of your life, you have natural opportunities (if you take advantage of them) to meet other single people who have the same interests as you do – whether it’s breeding purebred prize winning Boston Terriers or sailing around the world.

This is such an obvious dating tip and yet so many of us get so caught up in making a living that we completely forget to spend time doing what actually makes us happy.

*A side note to men - women are leaving you behind in the dust when it comes to getting out and finding their passions, taking classes, getting out with friends for special events and more. From both research and personal experience I can tell you that women take more classes and are ready in droves to sign up for dating events compared to men (except for maybe in Alaska). Men if you're looking to meet women take a cooking class, go to a pre-dating event, just get out and do something other than hold up your favorite bar stool or hang out smoking a stogie.

5. First Dates Don’t need to be Elaborate

Heed this dating tip and the money in your wallet will stretch much farther! The best bet for a first date is meeting at a nice coffee house, or upscale bar for a drink, and it’s best if people meet there rather than the man picking up the woman just to play things safe. Safety should always come first. And of course, nothing is worse than going to an expensive dinner on a first date with someone you have high hopes about only to find that you just don’t hit it off after all – it’s both expensive and a waste of time. Be more casual about the first date – after all, if you get along so fabulously that you want to spend more time together you can go to dinner afterward.

6. First Dates Aren’t An Interview

As much as first dates feel like an audition, or an interview to impress someone, they are actually neither. This dating tip is tremendously important to remember because if you’re not careful when trying to make a good impression you can fall into that “false” self issue we talked about above. Men especially tend to use a first date (or even first emails) to lay out all the reasons why they’re a great catch – especially if they really find the woman attractive. This, however, puts the woman in the role of being the audience and this is not a date then – it’s a show. It's all too easy for men to move from sharing to bragging and boring the woman to death who is simply trying to be an attentive listener politely waiting her turn.

Remember good conversations have give and take and volleys back and forth like a good tennis match. You should never be in the position of doing all of the talking, or all of the listening.

7. First Dates Aren’t For the Nitty Gritty

You may have had some truly challenging things happen in your life, in fact, they may still be happening right now, but don’t share them on the first date. People need time to emotionally care for someone even if they’re physically attracted to them (and studies show that men need more time than women). Even if a person (ladies I'm talking especially to you) may seem to be just the sort of understanding, empathetic type you can bare your soul to – hold off for a date or two before you tell them about the skeletons in the closet.

This important dating tip gives the person time to get to know and like you before knowing about the less than savory things going on in your life. I once had a date with a man who shared with me in the first fifteen or twenty minutes of the date that he'd been sexually molested as a child and only liked having sex with promiscuous women because then he knew they liked sex (oh, if only life were that simply). Of course it didn't help things that he'd fudged what he looked like and I went on the date with a bad feeling in my gut (again, don't second guess your gut).

Don’t wait too long, however, to share important information even if it’s not the best news. You should definitely open up and share honestly before the relationship gets serious.

8. Great Daters Have a Plan

This might seem like another obvious dating tip, however, it’s surprising how few people take the time and effort to really think through a fun date and plan ahead for it. If you’re too busy now to take the time to buy concert tickets in advance, or do research for an interesting day trip, you’re too busy to be in a relationship and date. It’s that simple. People naively think they’ll make time for the right person, and they do – for a date or two – but a workaholic with no social life is that way for a reason. By all means work hard if that brings you joy, but recognize that you’ve got to have balance in your life if you want a successful love life.

In order to make planning great dates easier for yourself keep a file of things to do and places to see that you come across in your reading or web browsing. If you’ve got a folder full of ideas it takes the pressure off of you to come up with something fun when the opportunity for a date arrives. And men, don't think you're being a gentleman by letting the lady make all the decisions - you're just being lazy. If you've truly been listening to her during your conversations and not just getting giddy over her eyes or cleavage (or both) than she's probably given you all sorts of clues as to what sort of outing she'd really enjoy.

9. If You Feel Physical Chemistry Be Clear About Your Signals, but Not Overt

This is another dating tip that might seem totally obvious to many people, but isn’t to the shyer members of our society – of which there are many many members. Remember that even very attractive and alluring people aren’t 100% certain of their effect on someone. If you go on a date with someone who completely lives up to your expectations (and more) let them know.

Now that being said, I don’t mean you should be sticking your tongue down their throat at the beginning of the date (which has happened to me once and was absolutely no fun - but I have to accept some responsibility for it because I flirted with the guy way too much on the phone ahead of time, a big no no), nor do you need to jump on them at the end of the date and try to get some. There are very subtle, but potent signs to let someone know you’re not only enjoying yourself with them but you find them physically attracted:

Brush or press your knee against theirs under the table for a second or two a couple of times during dinner.

-Touch their arm or shoulder to emphasize a point while talking to them (but don’t do it too often).

-Men can put their hand briefly on the small of a woman’s back when he opens the car door for a woman, or pulls out her chair at a restaurant, or asks her what she’d like to drink from the bar.

-Hold strong eye contact and “triangle” them from time to time – that is look from one of their eyes to the other, to their mouth and back. This, by the way, is something humans naturally do when they’re very attracted to someone.

-Go for the kiss at the end of the night. If a woman doesn’t feel comfortable moving in to kiss a man on the lips she can give him a kiss on the cheek. If she leans against him for a moment while doing this it gets the point across effectively.

10. Don’t Wear Out Your Welcome

This is the point where most of actually bite the dust in the dating arena – we get so excited about meeting someone we’re really attracted to, and want to get to know better, that we overwhelm them with our interest. It’s always an important dating tip to give someone a bit less of yourself in the very beginning of a dating relationship than you’d like to. What do I mean? I mean keep the volley going we talked about earlier, don't keep smashing serve after serve into their court. Don’t call every day, call once a week – to set up the next date. Don’t send emails every day either – you can send an email or two during the week but make it about something you think they’d like to know about – not how incredibly much you’re looking forward to the evening.

Yes it’s tough to sit back and chill when you’ve met someone great – but that’s exactly what you need to do. Fascination and interest can quickly turn to disinterest if we wear out our welcome. Give them time to miss you! Remember everyone loves the chase and you lessen your "specialness" as soon as you seem way too eager to be at someone's beck and call.